Hey, swingers!
OMG, can you believe I got this email today? I love it. Put your bossy Advice Caps on, kids.
Hi Decorno!
I've been a fan of your blog for over a year now... Although I Iove your decorating/design posts, I look forward to the candidness of your relationship/sex posts. Now I find myself in a situation where I'd love to get both you and your readers advice about my relationship. I'll try to keep it to the point.
My husband and I have been married ten years. Trouble is, he's not a very good lover. He's tries very hard -- has bought books, etc, but just gets very nervous and will loose his erection. He's been to therapy and hypnosis, tried drugs and potions and although it's helped a little bit, things are always fragile in this area. Over the years I've been very supportive and have basically given up on having sex with him. I just take what I can get...:(
A few months ago, I don't really know when it happened but my libido has just gone crazy. I think about sex constantly and it seems that no amount of sex with him (it's not much) or with myself seems to satisfy the desire. I tried to just deal with it but I feel like I'm too young to just dry up (I'm 36). Then one night we were talking about things and came to the conclusion that maybe we both should explore the idea of having sex with other people. I told him that maybe if he's with another women he may not feel so much pressure to perform (I can be a bit aggressive). And while I've never ever been the type of person who would have ever thought I'd be open to the idea of an open marriage, I'm desperate. I haven't had a mind blowing orgasm in years! I love my husband tremendously and I know I want to grow old with him but I'm not really sure what else to do. He said he's okay with me being with other men too as long as I come back to him.
Is he the world's most amazing husband or am I the world's worst wife?
Help! Should I have a fling and get it out of my system?? Will I regret it forever?
thank you!
-k
Dear K -
He's giving you permission to sleep around. Go for it. People aren't really meant for monogamy and it's what leads to bed death . Seriously, give it a few weeks, have another talk, and if he's cool with it, go for it. You won't regret it forever if you know he's really, truly, consistently over many weeks, giving you persmission to get your rocks off AS LONG as he's not agreeing to it in some weird, sad desperation move to keep you. He should get to hump other legs, too, otherwise you're going to have this weird my-husband-is-practically-a-eunuch power imbalance in your relationship and it will make him as unsexy as a stay-at-home dad. (JJ and Edie, YOU bitches get to defend that one, not me.)
But the question I am not clear on is, what's the real problem here? Sleeping with other dudes will be super fun, but you will likely find the inconvenience of meeting new, safe, non-gross fuckable people will grow as tiresome as it did when you were still single and you will be stuck with Mr. Bad Lay. Mr. Bad Lay needs to get GOOD at this shit. Maybe he's gay. I mean, what do I know. It's possible. I just find it incredibly, totally, utterly weird that a straight dude has so many sexual problems. If you have ruled out all medical, past emotional/abusive kind of issues, and if you have ruled out with totally certainty that he's actually gay, then, gosh, I don't know. Ask him what he would prefer: do you want to get better at sex, or are you tired of trying to fix that and you truly want me to get my loving elsewhere? And when he answers, you need to decide if either of those is what you really, truly want.
Readers? Fuck the economy, let's talk about lovin'.
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